**Throughout our adoption process I have looked for blogs to read that I can relate with. Here is what I’ve found: happy thoughts and hopeful words… While those are certainly on my heart and in my mind there is another side of waiting that few people seem to write about. For me, if I don’t write things out I get a little congested with thoughts in my head. It helps to clear them out. It helps to just be honest. So maybe one random person will identify. That’s the only hope that would prompt me to put these words on my blog. One person.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord… to give you hope and a future.”
UUGGGHHHHH. Eye roll. (did I just eye roll God?) Double Sigh…
Does that sum up for you my current “status”?
About two months ago an acquaintance and I were chatting about babies and adoption. She was pregnant. She referred to me as “paper pregnant”. It was cute that day. I thought, “hmmm..I guess in a way I am pregnant.” Waiting for a baby to hold and be given the gift of caring for. No baby that’s visible in my belly. No kicking. No sickness. No due date. No promise. Just paper. The term these days kind of makes me crazy. We are waiting without knowing what or when or how. Or when. Or…when… Just paper.
I said a while back I’m still not stressed about this process. I’m stressed. Some days. I’m not. Other days.
It’s only been like a technical two months of waiting (nothing really). It’s really been over four years for us. We have been trying to grow a family for four years. Pregnancy is 9 months so I’d say we are not too great at the “growing” part. And yes, I find it easier to remember that God hasn’t given us a second child than I do remembering that, duh…we already have an extraordinary first. Just like all of those God-fearing people in the bible…takes about 2 seconds to forget what God has done. Awesome.
I had a conversation with a sweet friend the other day. A much more real conversation than my half thoughts on this blog. Here is the summary:
God blessed me with, life, love, friends, a child, a home, salvation (hello!), family, oh and so many people supporting us in this process… and this list could go on and on. MORE. So much more than so many and so much more than I’d ever deserve.
What joy should fill my heart! What thankfulness and reverence. And although it does….at times.
I want to cry almost everyday. I ask God when He will finally give us what we long for. Why it’s taking what feels like an eternity. I choose to suck the joy right out of many moments. And to disregard the blessings I have already…
That’s a pretty deep question that can be summarized surprisingly simply.
My longing (probably the deepest tangible longing in my life…ever) has choked out my true longing.
God has plans for me. They are for good and not to harm me. They are for hope and a future. They are. But in the moments that tears fall. I’m not crying out to God or for God, I’m crying out for Him to just give me what I want, regardless of that great plan and future He has. My longing for a growing family (which by itself is not bad) is so strong and consuming that it’s choking out my longing for the Lord. I fall into the weakness of every human. I’m selfish and I know it. But as my friend agreed, I won’t stay stuck there. I won’t. I can’t. Life has a bigger purpose that I will miss.
I find myself repeating the same few verses to myself everyday. About every 30 minutes. Seriously, many many times. Reading scripture to allow myself to remember what God has done, not only in my life but since the beginning of time. And how it all leads to good. All of it.
I know one day a baby will be will us. I know one day a due date will come and it will be more than paper. And even if it didn’t I want to say that I lived for God in the middle of it. I want to say I was seeking Him. I want to look back and know that it was hard, but in the end my deepest longing was not of this world, but from above. Lord, help me remember.
This process is stretching me and my dependence and relationship with God. It’s strengthening trust. It’s helping me to understand what God means when He says that all things work together for my good. “My good” isn’t fulfilled without being for His glory. “My good” are words I can’t comprehend and vastly different from what my small perspective could imagine. They are also words I can only hear and say easily until life gets hard. I think I can thank the Lord for revealing truth more deeply. I’m pretty sure I should. 🙂
“For the joy of the Lord is my strength.” I accomplish nothing apart from Him.